Walking by faith

I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

These words by Jeremy Camp, echoing Paul's statement in II Corinthians 5:7 have become very dear to me over the past year. Permit me to digress from my usual commentary and simply share my experiences over the past year. They have profoundly shaped my spiritual outlook. I have been waiting to write this post for some time now. It is only now that God has provided a "bookmark" of sorts that I can relate my journey of walking by faith.

This has been without a doubt the most difficult year of my life. Last summer, I learned that due to financial troubles, there was a good chance the school which I was leading would close after the next school year. That would mean I, along with my dear friends and colleagues, would lose our jobs, and that our mission to which we were wholly devoted would come to an end. In September, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Over the next two months, I would have to watch her succumb to this dreadful disease. In the aftermath of her death and her funeral, I became quite disillusioned with many in my family. They simply were not who I thought them to be. Damage was done, much of which may be irreparable. In January of this year, the final decision of our board to close the school was handed down. For the next six months, I was to preside over the "death" of this family of God. More hurtful was my disappointment in many men of faith, in whom I had trusted. They seemed unconcerned about the human fallout from their decisions. In the meantime, I searched for God's guidance with my next job. Where should I go? What should I do? What was His will? These questions plagued me as I sent out resumes and went on interviews. Three times I was flown in as a finalist for a position. Each time, it appeared that God's will was going to be revealed. Three times, I learned someone else was selected and it was time to begin searching anew.

During all of this, Satan nagged at me, planting negative thoughts in my mind. I felt forsaken; but the Holy Spirit reminded me of Jesus' words on the cross: "Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani." I felt confused, unsure of my next steps; but the Spirit reminded me of Abraham, Noah, Moses, and countless others who did not know the "end game" but walked in faith nonetheless. With each doubt that Satan put into my head, the Holy Spirit countered with encouragement from His Word. These sources of encouragement did not come from scripture alone. Often they were delivered by some "angel" in my life. Perhaps they were unaware of the encouragement they were offering, but it was there nonetheless.

The bottom line: In my moment of great doubt, confusion, and pain, God was working His plan all along. Even though I could not see His handiwork clearly, even though I was blind to the eventual outcome, He was walking ahead of me, making my paths clear.

I have learned a great lesson, maybe THE great lesson: I am a blind man in this world. I need the omniscient power of my Lord to guide me. That is a troublesome lesson for many of us, especially me, to learn. I treasure my "sight." I am an academic, a philosopher by nature and vocation. I have always desired and have devoted my life to "seeing more clearly." Indeed, God has revealed much to me in the course of my studies. Still, there is so much more I don't know, and even more I never will. That is why I must submit myself to him. As much as I would like to blaze my own trail in this life, I haven't sufficient sight to do so.

I mentioned in the opening that I've been waiting to write this piece. I vowed to do so out of faith in Him. For some time now, though I didn't know what His will would look like, I knew it would be done anyway. I chose to walk by faith, even when I could not see.

I say this not with pride or hubris, but with all humility. The only thing He required of me was the will to continue. As Kipling put it:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"

That's what walking by faith is. It's the determination to hold on to God when all you have to go by is His promise. I praise Him for giving me that strength; and I praise Him for his steadfast love and faithfulness.

Thanks for letting me share my experience with you. We serve a great and wonderful God who desires to give us rich rewards if we'll only trust in Him.